I am allowing myself to be completely vulnerable here with the hope that my story may inspire you to dig deeper into your healing journey, to bring to your awareness what remains hidden.
Illness
I must set the stage with a little history first. On Lion’s Gate of 2021 I came down with covid, it was a grueling 2 weeks. Then 2 to 3 months later I came down with Chronic Fatigue and other auto-immune symptoms. This has led me on a three years journey finding my way to my true self. During this time, I felt very disconnected from my higher self, I was lost. I no longer knew what my purpose. I have been in the cacoon phase of transformation, very messy. No longer identifying with my old self and not knowing who I am or who I am becoming. This has taken me down a whole new path of self discovery.
Living with illness taught me alot. I knew, in a more tangible way, what it felt like to be alive but, not truly living…. (Take that in for a moment.) I gained more empathy and compassion for those suffering from chronic illness. I eventually was able to let go of the “Why did this happen to me? and what is the purpose of this?” I realized I needed to accept myself as I am, where I am. I began to practice being present (in the moment) and letting go of my past self and my focus of getting well, as my future self. I needed to let go of all my expectations and preconcieved notions around my condition and how to heal and that acceptance moved into allowance. I began allowing myself to be present with who I am and what I am experiencing in each day. I wasn’t just accepting my new conditions I was living with, I was learning to thrive within them. I focused on loving myself more deeply, even if I’m sick. I found this to be one of the biggest decievers I held, thinking I have been loving myself, but that changed when illness was thrown into the mix. This set the stage to let the healing begin.
I could feel in my Soul, it was my task to overcome this illness and heal. And I also knew that physical illness is the result of energetic misalignment somewhere along the way. I began digging deeper, what do I have buried deep inside me that needs to be revealed?. I know I wouldn’t have all these issues if i didn’t have disharmonious frequency in my field that attracted it in. There is always this deep, hidden sense of grief that would surface now and then, I was having energy healing sessions and focusing on releasing ancestoral trauma. Meanwhile, I also was paying more attention to healing on the physical level. I made dietary changes and took lot’s of supplements and listened to what my body needed. I was learning a lot about myself during this proccess. I was seeing improvement and I was remembering to remain present without expectation.
A little Inspiration
During this time, I began feeling the need to understand trauma better. I felt like that might be a new direction for me to help others to heal from trauma. I knew nothing about PTSD and any of it’s forms. I thought of trauma as big traumatic events in people’s lives not realizing that a trauma response can come from seemingly small events, repeated degradation or even lack of love and nuturance. My awareness of trauma was gradually and slowly opening, particular thanks to my dear friend Kathy for teaching me. Months later, I began seeing Spinal Energetics on Instagram and realized it worked well with trauma release. It kept showing up and eventually I realized it was a path for me to follow and I signed up for the training. The draw for me was that it did work well with trauma release. I also knew it was going to be an intregral piece of my own healing as well. By the time I went to the training I had decided to accept my healing and not identify with illness or the label of it, “I have chronic fatigue”. I didn’t want to perpetuate the illness. I began thinking and saying I am recovering and healing. I recieved a healing session from Dr. Sarah Jane which opened me up, removed some of the blocks and I began to recover my strength. I was so grateful for that experience on many levels.
Recognition of Trauma
One year later, I had regained my ability to function normal day to day activity and I was still restoring my ability to exercise. I maintained the focus of allowance throughtout the process, (mostly, we all backslide now and then). At this time, through a series of events and synchronicities I became aware that there is something deep seeded holding me back. I noticed where I am easily triggered into defense mode, inability to move forward, a sense of overwhelm, playing small, protecting myself and more. Then, during my lucid dreaming time one morning all the dots connected and I finally realized I have been living life from a trauma response, all of my life!! Ding! The bottom line, I never felt safe or protected. Who was going to watch out for me (my little girl said)?
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Shortly after this realization, I was compelled to take another course that addresses trauma called Somatic Alignment. This technique uses pathways within the body to release blocks and restore energy flow. It also is very effective in releasing trauma. It is there that I experienced a cathartic release. The evening after the first class my friend Sharon I were siting outside chatting. Sharon was sharing with me how she easilly picks up on her clients trauma. So I asked, what does she see with me? She gave me the ages of where I hold trauma and the first one was 2 years old, we didn’t take it any further than that.
The next day at the arrival to class, I felt disconnected from everyone, my thoughts and feelings were running rampant . “They don’t like me, I don’t fit in, what am I doing here? My heart hurts, I just want to cry.” In the morning meeting I told everyone I felt like that, I cried and I also had a sense it may be connected to the trauma of the 1 to 2 year old.
You see about 15 years ago, through a series of events and meditation I was able to determine I was sexually abused between the ages of 1 and 2. It wasn’t someone in my immediate family and nor does my family know about this. I spent weeks processing this event, feeling the pain and anger until I came to a place of forgiveness and peace. At the time, I had little to no understanding about trauma and how people respond to it in their lives. I haven’t learned anything about it until, I felt the recent soul push towards it. .
So back to the class, A few classmates came to me individually offering their loving support which I grately appreciated. The feelings subsided for the rest of the day and I was able to participate in class. Right as class ended the feelings emerged again. Through a series of events I ended up with Sharon and Santi ( the Instructor) supporting me through a release, an all out crying event. I knew in my heart that little baby girl finally felt safe enough to let it out and I was able to soothe her in the end. I have been protecting her for 62 years…… I had no idea this event was still trapped within me.
This coupled with the lack of nuturance, that is necessary to thrive in life, set me on a path of trauma inspired life. I came from a lineage of women who had lost thier ability to love and nuture in there lives due to there ancestoral traumas. I had no idea I was living in this manner, Years of depression, difficulty in daily fuctioning, imposter syndrome, playing small and unable to find my way and truly thrive in this world. I just thought it was my personality and life was just plain difficult. This brings me to the present moment where I have been operating from a subconscious programing around protecting myself from trauma all of my life. With all the healing I have done up to this point, I became aware I was still protecting my self and I still had a defesiviness about me that I couldn’t figure out. This has only been brought to light in the last few months.
The Transformation
I finally have the awareness and I began to unravel it. You know it’s kind of like, “when the student is ready the teacher appears”. The synchronicities happened and I followed the bread crumbs, the illness, Spinal Energetics, Somatic Alignment, Ascend the Frequencies Technique, the people in my life and the triggers that showed up right on time. If I had not gotten covid and the susequent illnesses, I would not have found my way down this path of healing. There is one more thing that showed up in perfect timing and that was finding RJ Spina on Youtube. He stirs a remembrance in me. I know he is here to show us the way to heal ourselves through our own frequency. I have followed his teachings from his books “Supercharged Self Healing” and “Change Your Mind”. I have been able to free myself from most of the chronic physical illness I have been dealing with. I am currently taking his healing course which is a deep dive into undoing the ego mind identity and the subconscious programming that keeps us stuck and sick. I highly recommend you check him out at ascendthefrequencies.com.
My challenge is to overcome a life lacking in love and remembering I am the love I seek. My core motivation in life has been to be a clear and open channel for God/Source love and to fullfill my divine purpose on this planet, in this carnation. I want to heal and be an example of true healing. I finally feel like I am getting out of my own way. I am a divine creative expression of my Higher Self, watching the butterfly emerge from its cacoon. I want to watch us all become beautiful butterflies. With all my love!
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